


The Love You Deserve

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Light Angst, Living Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Season/Series 03, Sharing a Bed, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24191224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: When Josh can't sleep, he finds himself at Buck's place. Then he just never leaves. The pair closer and one day Josh wakes up and realizes that somewhere along the way he's been falling for his new roommate.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo
Comments: 34
Kudos: 216





	The Love You Deserve

**Author's Note:**

> I started this weeks ago, and it just kept spiraling. But here it is. I guess this is what happens when Adri tells me to finish a fic. Sometimes I actually do it.

Josh can't sleep. 

It's not unusual, especially with his job. He doesn't know how many nights he's been kept awake after a bad call. For the most part he has that under control. 

This is something different though. Something he can't just push out of his mind no matter how badly he wants to. 

It was easier when he was sleeping at Maddie's house. He felt safe there. But despite her insistence that he stay as long as he needs to, he still felt like he was in the way. Especially when more often than not she would stay home rather than going to Chimney's like she might have before. 

It's after a Friday night of her staying in with him, despite him knowing it's her usual date night, that he decides it's time for him to go. 

He can't hide out at Maddie's forever. He at least has to try to be on his own again. 

For the most part he's fine. He cooks himself dinner and watches new episodes of his favorite TV shows that he's behind on. It's a normal night for him. 

Until it comes time to sleep.

Everything seems far too quiet then, every sound inside and outside the apartment putting him on edge. 

He thinks about turning the TV on, but then his mind starts playing the what if game. 

What if someone tries to break in and I can't hear it because I have the TV on?

That thought alone has him lying there in silence, staring up at the shadows on his ceiling. 

He tries to tell himself that he can do this. It's his first night back at his apartment, of course he's going to be a little on edge. 

But it happens the next night, and the next, and every night after that for a week.

He can tell Maddie notices something is up, but he brushes off her questions with a smile and an excuse about being a night owl. 

She purses her lips, no doubt not believing him. They lived together for over two weeks. She knows his sleep schedule. Still, she doesn't call him on it. Instead rests a hand on his arm and tells him she's there if he needs to talk. 

She then insists he comes over this weekend to stay because she misses him. While he believes that's probably at least partly true, he knows it's not all of it. 

He feels guilty then. She has her own life. She shouldn't be worrying about him. He can handle this on his own. 

He tells himself that all through the rest of his shift, and all the way home. Through his dinner and TV ritual. Even as he showers and can feel the increase pricking at his skin. He can do this. He can get at least one night's sleep on his own. 

He almost believes it too, until he's lying in bed and staring at the darkness around him. The fear hits him hard that night. Harder than it has in weeks.

That's the thing about fear, he supposes. No matter how much you want to push it away, it'll always find you when you least expect it, crawling its way under your skin and burrowing deep inside until you can't breathe, not even to scream.

Josh throws the blankets off and gets dressed in the darkness of his bedroom. He grabs his keys and wallet from the dish by his door and makes sure he has his phone before leaving his apartment. He’s not sure where he’s going. He just knows he can’t stand another night of laying sleepless in his bed.

He walks for a while, the cool night air helping to relax a little of his nerves, but they’re still there, creeping in. It doesn’t help that he feels on edge at every sound made in a dark corner or alley, as if he’s waiting for someone to jump out and attack him.

He’s been walking for close to an hour when he realizes he’s reached a familiar apartment building. One he’s only been to a few times before now, but still enough to know just where he is. He stops and looks up at the mostly dark windows until his eyes find the one he’s looking for. There’s a faint glow coming from inside it.

He doesn’t think before walking into the complex and taking the elevator up to the third floor. It’s not until he’s standing outside the door that he realizes he’s not sure what he should do. Does he knock? Or call?

He shakes his head and pulls out his phone. “You’re being ridiculous, Josh,” he mutters to himself as he types out a message and hits send.

“You up?”

“I am,” comes the reply. “Had a late shift. The question is, why are you up?”

“Can’t sleep,” Josh replies. He takes his lip between his teeth and looks down at his phone. 

“Want to talk about it?”

“I do, but not like this,” Josh sends back.

He raises his hand and knocks on the door before he lets himself think about it. There’s movement from inside, along with the sound of the door unlocking, before it swings open to reveal Evan Buckley. A very comfortable looking Evan Buckley. Josh would probably appreciate the view of him in nothing but sweats and his hair slightly mussed if he wasn’t still so on edge.

“Were you out here this whole time?” Buck asks him, his lips lifting slightly into an amused smile. “You know you could have just knocked.”

“I didn’t know if you were awake at first,” Josh shrugs. “Or if you even wanted company. Which I realize I’m still imposing, so I can go…”

“No, don’t be ridiculous. Come in,” Buck says. He steps back from the door so that Josh can walk in. 

Josh follows him inside and then into the kitchen. His eyes land on Buck’s feet and he smiles at the wolf slippers he has on. “Cute.”

“What?” Buck asks. He follows Josh’s gaze to his feet and he snorts. “Oh yeah, these? They were a gift from Christopher for my birthday. The floors get kind of chilly at night and they’re comfortable so…” he shrugs. 

“Everyone needs a good pair of slippers,” Josh says, nodding seriously. He takes a seat at the bar, watching as Buck starts moving around the kitchen. “What are you doing?”

“Making tea,” Buck says. “It helps me sleep when I’m feeling restless after a bad shift. So I figured…”

“So you’re going to get me tired and send me home,” Josh teases.

“No. I’m going to get you tired, and then you can crash here,” Buck tells him. 

“That’s not why I came here…”

“I know,” Buck says. He leans back against the counter and crosses his arms. “But I’m offering. You can stay here as long as you want.” He holds up his hand when Josh opens his mouth to argue. “And you’re not imposing. Far from it. I could use the company. And maybe someone who can make coffee.”

Josh laughs at that, “I have been told I make a good cup of coffee.”

“Then it’s settled,” Buck says. “You’ll stay here. You can take my bed and…”

“No,” Josh says, voice firm. “I’m drawing the line there. You’re letting me stay here. That’s enough. I’m not about to make you sleep on the couch.”

“I fall asleep on it often enough anyway watching TV,” Buck says, waving him off. 

He busies himself getting their tea and places a mug in front of Josh. “Do you need anything? Honey? Sugar? Lemon?”

“Some lemon and honey would be great,” Josh tells him.

Buck grabs what he needs and sets it on the counter, before taking the seat next to Josh. For a moment, it’s silent as they stir their tea. It’s not uncomfortable, and as the time passes Josh feels himself start to relax. 

Enough to open his mouth and finally admit the truth of his situation to someone other than Maddie. If he’s going to be staying here, Buck at least deserves that.

“I’m sure Maddie told you about what happened to me,” Josh says, taking a long drink of his tea.

“About the mugging,” Buck says. “Yeah she mentioned something about it.”

"It wasn't a random mugging," Josh says. He keeps his gaze on his hands, unable to meet Buck's eyes as he admits the truth. "It was my date. He uhh… he set me up. He got me alone to where his friend was waiting and they jumped me."

"Bastards," Buck mutters. "Did you tell the cops?"

"No, the only person that knows is Maddie. And well, now you."

“Something stopped you,” Buck guesses.

“I did,” Josh says. “I let myself hope and put myself out there. I wanted to believe the guy was decent even though I’m sure there were signs that something was off with him. I let my guard down. Now I’m just another statistic.”

"Listen to me, it wasn't your fault,” Buck tells him. “The guy was a dick."

"You don't even know him."

"I don't need to. He hurt you, and that's all I need to know.”

Josh smiles at that, “Thank you.”

“Is that why you haven’t been able to sleep?” Buck asks him.

Josh nods, “It is. At first after it happened I stayed with Maddie, but as comfortable as that was I couldn’t just impose on her forever. I felt like I needed to at least try to get back some normalcy and went back to my apartment. It’s been a week and I haven’t been able to sleep much. I just keep thinking that these men know where I live, you know? They could easily show up at my apartment and finish the job if they wanted.”

He looks down at his tea, not wanting to see the pity that no doubt is going to be on Buck’s face. He doesn’t need pity. He just needs… Well really all he wants is some sleep. 

“No one is going to get to you here,” Buck assures him. Josh chances a glance his way and is surprised to see not pity, but the same kind eyes that have been looking at him all night. “And I really am going to insist you take the bed tonight.”

“But…”

“Josh, you need your sleep,” Buck cuts in. “As comfortable as my couch is, and believe me it is comfortable, I think you’ll sleep better in the bed.”

“I don’t want to put you out…”

“You’re not,” Buck says. “I’m offering. And I’ll feel a hell of a lot better knowing you’re up there getting some sleep.”

“Hopefully.”

Buck smiles, “Yes, hopefully. By now I think the tea should start to be doing its job though.”

He’s right. He already feels more relaxed now than he has in weeks. Buck probably has as much to do with that as the tea itself, but that’s not something Josh is going to let himself think about.

“Fine,” Josh sighs. When Buck grins, Josh rolls his eyes and tries to fight a smile. “Don’t look so pleased with yourself. I just know when to fight my battles.”

“Smart man.”

“I have my moments,” Josh says.

Josh doesn’t expect it to be easy to fall asleep. Despite how comfortable Buck’s bed is, that doesn’t mean he’s going to be able to just fall asleep. But as he lays there, Buck’s soft, warm comforter wrapped around him, knowing that Buck is right downstairs, his eyes slip closed. The faint hum of the TV downstairs quiets his overactive mind and he drifts off to sleep.

* * *

Josh’s awareness comes back to him in increments. The first thing he notices is how bright it is. He squeezes his eyes shut and pulls the blanket higher, trying to block out the sun. For a moment he thinks he forgot to close his curtains before getting into bed. But that doesn’t make sense. He rarely opens them anymore.

The bed also feels off. Softer somehow. 

It’s not until he hears clattering and the faint smell of coffee that he remembers. 

This isn’t his bed, or even his apartment. He’d slept at Buck’s place last night. 

He squints his eyes open and reaches for his phone where it’s plugged in and taps the screen. 9 a.m. 

“Shit,” he mutters to himself. He throws the covers off and runs for the bathroom where he left his clothes the night before after he changed into the sweats and t-shirt Buck loaned him. “Shit shit.”

“Everything okay?” Buck calls up to him.

“Yeah,” Josh calls back, tearing the shirt over his head and throwing it aside. “I’m just late for work.”

“No you’re not,” Buck says, his voice sounding closer.

“I am! My shift starts at 8. I’m already over an hour late.”

“You don’t work today,” Buck tells him.

Josh frowns. He does work, doesn’t he? It’s… “What day is it?”

“Saturday,” Buck tells him. “I have it on good authority that you’re off today.”

Josh doesn’t have to ask who. He has no doubt Maddie told him. 

Josh relaxes and examines himself in the mirror. He looks better than he has the last few weeks, and certainly feels better too.

He grabs Buck’s shirt and slips it back over his head. He could easily grab his own, but something about the soft cotton is a comfort.

He opens the door to the bathroom to find Buck standing on the stairs. “I should get back to my place.”

“Without even trying the breakfast I slaved over for hours?” Buck questions, putting a hand to his heart.

“I doubt it was hours.”

“It could have been,” Buck says, starting down the stairs, leaving Josh to follow. He throws a grin over his shoulder. “It’s definitely worth eating no matter how long it took.”

"We'll see," Josh says teasingly as he follows him into the kitchen. It certainly smells good. "I've heard from Maddie about how you almost burned down your kitchen."

Buck groans, "That was _one_ time, and I was ten. It hardly counts. I know what I'm doing now."

Josh grins, "Well then, Chef Buckley, amaze me."

"Oh I will." He points at a seat at the table already set with a plate, utensils, and two cups. 

"Why two cups?" Josh asks him. 

"I didn't know if you'd want coffee, water, orange juice, or something else."

"You know, normally I'd say coffee but I think I'm feeling adventurous this morning."

Buck sets two bowls in the middle of the table, followed by a plate stacked with bacon and sausage. "Oh yeah?" He asks as he takes the seat across from him. 

He reaches for one of the bowls at the same time Josh does. Josh doesn't understand the jolt that goes through him when their fingers brush. It's not as if they haven't touched before, but it feels different. Good in a way Josh wasn't expecting. 

Buck's eyes lift to meet his. "How adventurous?"

Josh holds his gaze for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to answer. Somehow it doesn't feel like they're talking about drink choices anywhere. 

Still, it's unfamiliar territory. At least with Buck. He doesn't want to step into anything without being certain. Especially not after the mess he just went through.

So he throws on a smile and reaches for the pitcher in the middle of the table. "I'm thinking orange juice."

Buck sits back in his seat, "Ah yes. The most adventurous of breakfast beverages."

"I thought that was mimosas."

Buck laughs, "Well I suppose that depends on the kind of adventure you want to have."

* * *

"I don't know whether I should be offended or not," Maddie says first thing Monday morning.

"About what?" Josh asks. He takes a sip of his coffee and leans against the counter so he can see her. 

"Oh I don't know," Maddie says. She pours herself a cup and glances at him as she adds her sugar. "Maybe you trading me in for Buck."

Josh laughs, "What on earth are you talking about?"

She narrows her eyes at him, "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You're shacking up with my brother."

Josh inhales sharply, and has to set his mug down as he starts to cough when his coffee goes down the wrong way. "What?" he sputters. "I am _not_ shacking up with Buck!"

"But you are living with him," Maddie says. 

"I'm staying there,” Josh says. "He offered, and… well I haven't been sleeping that well. Not being alone helps."

"You know you could have stayed with me," she says softly. "Right?"

Josh sighs and reaches for her hand. "Of course I do. I appreciate that, but you need your own space."

"Buck doesn't?"

"That's different," Josh tells. "Buck's not in a relationship. And he doesn't feel obligated to hang out with me all the time."

"But you two do hang out."

"Yes. We watched movies, and talked. He's an interesting guy. Probably one of the few decent ones I know."

"And you like being around him?"

"Of course," Josh says. "He's funny. And smart. We have fun together."

Maddie studies his face for a moment before she laughs. "Oh boy. This is going to be good, and not going to go how either of you think it will."

"What?"

"You'll see," she sings. "Shift is starting. I'll see you on break!"

"Wait! You need to tell me what you meant!"

All she does is laugh and wave as she makes her way out the door and to her desk. 

Josh sighs and grabs his coffee, taking it back to his desk with him. He tries to brush off Maddie's weird behavior, and manages to when the calls start coming in and he focuses his attention there. 

* * *

It’s easy living with Buck. Easier than Josh ever thought it would be. Especially since besides the few weeks he stayed with Maddie, he’s mostly lived alone the past ten years or so. Even with Maddie they’d had more space. Something that is very much lacking in Buck’s apartment.

But he doesn’t mind it.

There’s something comforting about having Buck so close. He feels safe here, something he hasn’t felt in a long time. At least not since he got attacked. 

At first he attributes that to Buck’s presence. Something about him just radiates safety and security to Josh. Something he knows Maddie would laugh at if he ever admitted that to her. She already gives him looks every time he’s texting Buck on break. Looks he purposefully ignores. 

And she’d certainly have a field day if she heard they’d been sharing Buck’s bed the last few nights. Platonically, of course. Josh just couldn’t take the thought of Buck having to sleep on his couch every night, and Buck was adamant about Josh not sleeping there. So they compromised. 

It’s convenient, that’s it.

If he wakes up one morning to find Buck’s arm thrown across his waist and head on his chest and doesn’t move him off, and instead drifts back to sleep with a smile, so what? It doesn’t mean anything.

Except it very much does, and that scares the hell out of him.

He knows Buck. He’s an affectionate person. That’s just how he is. There's no reason to think this is anything more than that. 

So Josh pushes down his growing feelings, cursing his traitorous heart. Not that he can blame it for falling. Evan Buckley is easy to love. 

It's just a shame he had to go and fall for him. He knows better than to get his hopes up about Buck returning his feelings. His high hopes screwed him over last time. He's not going to let that happen again. 

Not that Buck would ever hurt him. He's far too kind for that. He'd let him down easy if he ever found out. But Josh is going to make sure he never does. He values their friendship too much to let his stupid feelings ruin it. 

"Something's bothering you," Buck says, breaking Josh out of his thoughts. 

Josh blinks. "What?"

"You've been staring off into space for half the movie," Buck tells him. "What's up?"

"I'm fine," Josh assures him. When Buck purses his lips, he smiles. "Really."

Buck rests his hand over his, his face turning serious. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

And normally that would be true. But not about this. Still, admitting that would just lead to more questions. "I know. I appreciate that. But I really am fine."

Buck nods and removes his hand, and Josh tries not to mourn the loss of contact. 

He doesn't have to miss it for long, because not even a minute later Buck is tucking himself into Josh's side. He looks up at him with that gorgeous smile and Josh forgets to breathe. "You say you're fine, but you still look like you could use a good cuddle sess."

Josh means to play it off or make a joke. But instead what slips past his lips is "always."

Buck just grins wider and curls in closer, "Good because I could cuddle you forever."

_I would let you_ , Josh thinks. 

Out loud he says, "Catch me up on what I missed in the movie."

* * *

Josh wakes to the sun shining brightly in on them. It’s not uncommon, especially in Buck’s loft. It’s something he’s had to get used to. But it feels different somehow. It’s not until he peeks his eyes open and notices his surroundings that he realizes he fell asleep on the couch last night. Not only him, but Buck as well.

Buck’s still sound asleep, his mouth slightly parted, and blowing soft puffs of hair into Josh’s hair. Because he’s on top of him. He doesn’t remember falling asleep like this. He doesn’t remember falling asleep _at all_. They’d been watching the movie and he was getting tired, sure. But that’s the last of his awareness.

And yet, somehow he’s found himself here, his body halfway on Buck and halfway against the back of the couch. If he wants to get up he’s going to have to crawl over Buck and risk waking him. And looking at him now, seeing his face soft and relaxed with sleep, it’s not really something he wants to do. 

He shifts and Buck’s arms tighten around him pulling him closer to his chest. “Don’t.”

“I have to get up,” Josh tells him.

“No you don’t,” Buck mumbles, peeking an eye open to look at him. “You can stay.”

“I have to work.”

“You can call in,” Buck suggests, lips lifting into a lazy smile.

And god Josh is tempted. He’d like nothing more than to stay here with Buck and bask in this a little long.

“You want to,” Buck says, catching on to where Josh’s mind was going. “So you should.”

“I’ve never called in a day in life,” Josh tells him. “Unless it was something serious.”

“This is very serious,” Buck tells him. “We need our sleep, and I can’t sleep without you here.”

Buck’s stomach goes into some weird somersault the rest of his body would never be able to do. “You slept fine before I…” he’s about to say moved in. But has he? He’s staying here, sure. But he still has his own place. “I started staying here.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Buck yawns. “I’m too dependent on you for sleep now. You have to stay.”

“Buck…”

Buck reaches out for his phone and squints at the screen as he starts typing. The sound of ringing fills the room before a familiar voice comes on the line. Sue. “Hello?”

“Hey Sue, this is Buck,” he says, keeping his eyes on Josh’s face.

Josh doesn’t hear what she says, but it makes Buck smile. “I’m great. Josh though, isn’t feeling too good. I found him puking his brains out in the bathroom a few minutes ago. He was insisting on coming in but… Yeah that’s what I told him. He can’t even make it to the phone, let alone go to work. Of course. I'll take good care of him and get him back to you as soon as I can. Thanks Sue.”

Josh waits until Buck has hung up before digging his hands into his sides, “You little… I can’t believe you just _lied_ to my boss.”

Buck laughs and bats his hands away, “I did you a favor.”

“You cost me money on my paycheck,” Josh tells him. But he’s not mad. How can he be with Buck looking so damn adorable and smiling at him like that? 

“I’ll make it up to you,” Buck whispers.

The lowness of his voice sends a thrill through Josh. Not something he needs to be thinking about when he’s still laying on top of Buck. But he still can’t stop himself from smirking as he looks down at him. “Oh yeah? How exactly are you going to make it up to me, Evan?”

From this close, Josh can see the way Buck’s pupils dilate, the blue disappearing more behind the ring of black. Interesting. Buck clears his throat and averts his gaze, but only for a second or two. When he looks back, there’s a coy smile on his lips. “By giving you something I know you really want.”

“And what’s that?”

“Ice cream,” Buck whispers, his face breaking out into a wide grin.

Josh laughs and shoves at his chest. “It’s morning.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Buck says. “Everyone deserves to have ice cream for breakfast every now and then.”

“I thought you wanted me here so we could sleep?”

“We can sleep some more after breakfast,” Buck shrugs. “Besides I was wanting to move this upstairs anyway.”

“Good points,” Josh says. “Our backs are bound to be killing us soon if we don’t get up.”

He hesitates another moment, keeping his eyes on Buck, before shifting his wait. Buck slides out from under him and off the couch more gracefully than anyone has any right to be this early. Josh follows him as he walks into the kitchen and to the freezer. He opens it and pulls something out, but doesn’t show Josh. Instead he puts it behind his back.

“What do you have?” Josh asks, stepping closer and trying to look behind him.

Buck holds up his free hand and grins. “Ah! Not yet. What’s the magic word?”

“Please?”

“Nope,” Buck says. “Try again.”

Josh’s brow furrows, “Pretty please?”

Buck laughs, “Wrong again. Try ‘Buck is the greatest’”

Josh laughs, “I’m not saying that.”

“Then you’re not getting your treat,” Buck says.

Josh purses his lips, looking from Buck’s arm to his face and back. He debates lunging for him and trying to take whatever it is. But Buck has always been fast. No doubt he’d jump away before Josh even reached him, and Josh would be left to face plant on the tile floor. Not ideal.

“ _Fine_ ,” Josh says. “Buck is the greatest. Now can I _please_ see whatever it is you’re hiding?”

Buck grins and removes his hand from behind his back and holds it out to Josh. In it, is a carton of Haagen-Dazs honey salted caramel almond ice cream. “My favorite!”

Admittedly, he rarely gets it for himself. As much as he loves it, it can get pretty pricey. Something he remembers telling Buck when he first started staying here. “You remembered.”

“Oh course I did,” Buck says. He grabs two spoons from the drawer and leans against the counter next to him. “I remember everything you tell me.”

Josh doesn’t think when he leans in and kisses Buck’s cheek. He can always blame exhaustion or claim he really is coming down with something if Buck questions him. But all Buck does is smile and dig his spoon into the ice cream. 

“Well, if that’s how you thank me I’ll have to buy you ice cream more often,” he says.

Josh smiles and averts his gaze to the ice cream. He doesn’t want it to melt and go to waste, after all. Not after Buck went out of his way to get it.

“It’s not just for the ice cream,” Josh says, between spoonfuls.

“Oh? Then what for?

“For just being you,” Josh says quietly.

Buck is silent for a moment, so long that Josh wonders if he said the wrong thing, and maybe went too far. When he chances a glance at him, Buck is watching him, his spoon hovering in the air between his mouth and the ice cream. His eyes meet Josh’s and he holds his gaze for a moment. Then he’s leaning in and placing a lingering kiss to Josh’s cheek.

“What was that for?” 

Buck smiles softly. “Being you.”

* * *

Josh is over the moon when he finally goes into work two days later. He’d spent most of the time with Buck, except last night when Buck had been called in to pick up a shift. They’d still texted through most of the day when Buck wasn’t on calls. 

And Josh… well he doesn’t want to admit it out loud, but there’s something that feels like hope building in his chest. 

After their moment in the kitchen, they’d gone upstairs and spent most of the day cuddling and watching movies and talking. It was nice. Great even. He has no doubt Maddie is instantly going to pick up on his mood when she comes in. Though maybe she’ll be too distracted by her night with Chimney to notice. One can only hope.

He doesn’t think he’ll be able to last through her questioning without something slipping this time.

“Someone looks happy,” Maddie says, coming into the break room where Josh is grabbing his first cup of coffee.

“I could say the same about you,” Josh says, grinning over at her. “Your night with Chimney went well?”

“It did,” she says. She grabs her own cup and turns away, leaving Josh to follow her.

“That’s it? That’s all I’m getting?”

“Yep,” she takes a drink to hide her smile.

“Okay fine, then you won’t get to hear what has me so happy,” he tells her.

She pauses and studies his face, “I already know it’s about Buck. So that’s not going to work.”

“What? How do you…?”

“What’s with all the police presence?” she cuts in.

Josh sighs. He knows deflection when he sees it. He’s done it countless times himself. He doesn’t push though. He follows her to her desk, explaining what’s going on. It’s all going fine. Good even. Until he sees him.

The cup goes clattering from his hands onto the floor and everything slips out of focus for a moment. He’s here. He’s dressed like a cop and he’s here. 

As the gun shifts its focus to him, all Josh can think about is Buck, and how he should have told him he was falling in love.

* * *

“This is Josh, I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I’ll call you back.” 

Buck sighs and ends the call. It’s not that he’s surprised Josh’s phone went to voicemail. He’s at work so it’s not like he can just answer it. It’s the fact that his phone is off. He never turns it off. At least not since Buck has been calling him. Something he made sure to tell Buck when they first started talking.

_“My phone is always on if you need me.”_

_“What if it dies?”_

_“I charge it just so that doesn’t happen, Buck.”_

And it was true. Josh always made sure his phone was charged. At home if he wasn’t using it, it was on the charger. 

Maddie is a little less obsessive about keeping her phone charged, but Josh…

Something is wrong. He knows it is. He can feel it. The tight, hot fear grips at his chest and throat and making it hard to breathe. He has to get to him. He needs to see Josh and make sure he’s okay.

He grabs his keys and runs out of his apartment to his jeep. He’s just going to drive by, and if things look weird he’ll call someone. It’s not as if he’s going to do something stupid like storm into the place. Of course not.

Or maybe not.

The future is unclear.

He doesn’t have to worry much about it, however. He’s barely driven a mile down the road when he drives by Athena and finds himself pulled over. 

“I can explain,” he says as soon Athena gets to his window.

She doesn’t look impressed. Not that he can blame here.

“Well you’re going to do your explaining from the backseat of my car,” she tells him.

“What? Come on, Athena.”

“Now, Buck. Or do I have to pull you out and cuff you.”

Buck sighs and turns his car off. He grabs his phone and keys and steps out of the car. He locks it as he’s following Athena back to her cruiser.

“Look,” Athena says as she starts driving. “I know you’re worried about your sister…”

“No that’s not it,” he cuts in. At her raised eyebrow, he rubs the back of his neck. “I mean, I am worried about Maddie. Of course I am. But it’s not just her.”

“You know someone else inside the call center?”

“Yeah.”

“Josh,” Chimney says.

Buck nods, “Josh is my.... It’s new and we’re not exactly dating yet but…”

“You don’t have to explain,” Athena says, tone gentling. “I get it. It’s normal to worry about the people you love. But that doesn’t mean you should run, or drive, headfirst into danger.”

“I was only going to check out the building,” Buck says. “Not go in.”

“Mmhmm.”

“I was.”

“Well, you’re going to check on the building from the backseat of my car,” Athena tells him.

“And what are you going to do?” Buck asks her.

“I’m going in,” Athena says. “If nothing is wrong, they’ll have no problems with me going upstairs. But if they try to stop me…”

“You’ll know something is up,” Chimney finishes.

“Exactly.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Buck asks.

“Buck, I’m a cop. My whole job is dangerous,” she tells him. “But this is the only way we have right now of knowing if something is wrong.”

“And if it is?”

“Then we bring in back up and get everyone out of there as safely as we can.”

Buck wishes that this could all be some misunderstanding. That Athena could walk into the call center and everything be fine. But of course it’s not. Their lives aren’t that simple. 

He thinks about Maddie and Josh and what they must be going through in there. Are they afraid? Do they know help is coming? 

He feels helpless standing out here just waiting. He’s a man of action. Waiting has never been his strong suit. Right now it’s all he can do. The last thing he wants to do is something reckless that can put the people he loves in more danger.

So he waits, watching as SWAT gears up to go in. Chimney is by his side, looking far calmer than Buck feels. But he knows he has to be just as out of his mind with worry. He’s just better at not showing it. 

“They’re going to be okay,” Chimney says after a few minutes of silence. “They’re fighters.”

Buck knows they are, but right now that’s what worries him.

It feels like hours before the doors to the call center are opening and people start funneling out. Buck stumbles forward, his eyes moving across each face, looking for any sign of Maddie or Josh. He sees Maddie first, and watches as Chimney goes to her. He wants nothing more than to hug his sister and tell her he loves her, but he shows right now she’s in good hands. She has everything she needs. 

He stands there, anxiously scanning the crowd, his fear growing with each passing moment when he doesn’t see Josh. The only thing that keeps him from breaking is Maddie. Surely, if something had happened to Josh she’d be more upset. 

Then the crowd breaks and he sees him. _Josh_. He’s standing alone, looking around the crowded pavement. When their eyes meet, relief washes over him and he can see it in Josh’s features as they move towards each other. They stumble together into each other’s arms and for the first time in at least an hour Buck feels some comfort. He can’t imagine how Josh must be feeling, but he has a pretty good idea from the way he seems to shake in his hold.

“You’re okay,” Buck murmurs, running a hand down his back. “You’re safe.”

“I am now,” Josh says softly. He pulls back to look at him. “I was hoping you’d be here.”

“Of course. I’m always going to be here for you.”

“I know.”

The look on his face, full of hope and wonder and… something else that’s big and scary and beautiful. Something neither of them have admitted out loud but god Buck wants to. Especially after everything they’ve been through today.

“I never told you,” Buck says, eyes moving across Josh’s face. “I never told you I was falling in love.”

Josh closes his eyes, tears spilling past them and down his cheeks. “I never told you either. But…”

“What?” Buck asks, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. 

“I promised myself if I got out of there alive I wouldn’t waste any more time being afraid,” Josh says. “That I would take a chance and go after what I want.”

“What do you want?”

“You.”

That one word has Buck surging forward. Their lips crash together in a bruising kiss. It’s hard and desperate and messy, but still full of so much love and longing. Eventually Buck slows it down to something softer, but no less passionate. His hands caress Josh’s cheeks, wiping away the tears that are still falling. He can feel a wetness on his own cheeks but can’t be bothered to care.

Josh laughs wetly against his lips and brings his hands to Buck’s cheeks, wiping the tears away. “I know why I’m crying, but why are you?”

“Because I could have lost you,” Buck says.

“But you didn’t,” Josh says gently. “I’m here.”

Buck nods and turns his head, kissing Josh’s palm. Their eyes meet and Buck smiles. Josh had a point before about not wasting time. 

“Move in with me,” he says suddenly.

Josh’s eyes widen, “What?”

“You’ve already been staying with me for almost a month,” Buck says. “Most of your stuff is already there. I love having you with me. I love waking up with you and going to sleep with you when our schedules allow it. I just like knowing you’re always going to be there. So move in with me.”

Josh laughs breathlessly and pulls him in for another kiss. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, Evan. I’ll move in with you. Though…”

“What?”

“No actual moving today,” Josh tells him. “Right now I just want a nap.”

“I can work with that.”

Buck insists on Josh getting checked out by the paramedics, just to be safe. After he receives the all clear he takes him home and they crawl into bed. Josh curls against his side and Buck holds him close, taking comfort in his warmth. He’s here. He’s alive. He’s okay.

He’s eyes move across his face, taking everything in. Josh seems to be doing the same. Neither sleep. Not yet at least. 

“What’s on your mind?” Buck finally asks.

“I was just thinking,” Josh says, looking up at him. “About how I feel right now?”

“And how do you feel?”

“Safe,” Josh tells him, that one word holding so much meaning. “I feel safe.”

Buck kisses his head and tightens his arms around him. “I’m glad. You’ll always be safe with me.”

From the way Josh smiles and relaxes in his arms, Buck thinks he might finally believe that. They’ve both found something here, something bigger than they ever could have expected, but they both deserve. Safety and a whole lot of love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/comments make my day 💜  
> [My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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